Another Fitness Update

I decided to test my time on the full 5k again:

01/15/09: 5k (3.1 miles) = 37:47 min.
01/31/09: 5k (3.1 miles) = 35:40 min.

I think that's a great improvement on my overall time from just 2 weeks ago! My 1.5 mile time is still fluctuating between 15 - 16 min. And did you notice the LogYourRun track record I added to my sidebar? Pretty cool to click through the weeks and see how much I've been improving.

Still a very long way to go, but I'm doing great and it really helps to see my progress continuing in these little weekly achievements!

Unemployable?

So, the wait is finally over. An update from my last post on the job situation, I received an e-mail earlier this week. I've kind of purposely been waiting to mention this post, as I give myself a chance to organize my thoughts and go through several emotions, but now I think I may have waited just a little bit too long because now I feel completely unmotivated to write anything, but here goes.

If you haven't read my previous post, the very long story short is that it became quite apparent last fall that (as much as it breaks my heart to come to this realization) we can no longer afford for me to be a stay at home mom. I went through an almost ridiculously long emotional transition as I managed to accept that statement...and actually be able to say it without turning into an enormous cry baby.

So back in Sept. I began to fill out tons of job applications everywhere I could remotely see myself qualified for a decent position. About a week into my job search I contacted several former bosses to ask if they had any openings and one actually said yes! When we spoke on the phone later and she described the position it sounded too good to be true! It was very different from my old job and almost perfectly in line with the new direction I'm following in my MBA program. She quoted me a salary range much higher than I expected and I would also have the added benefit of working with several old friends again.

The one stumbling block was the position was currently listed as internal only, so she began to pursue approval to convert the position to also accept external applications. Weeks went by as people involved in this process were traveling for the company, or on vacation, etc. but my former boss continued to provide me with weekly updates on the status of this task.

Finally in Oct. they decided to bring me in to interview to fully decide if they wanted to hire me above the other internal applicants. The interviews went incredibly well and they continued to pursue approval to hire. In the meantime I continued to apply for countless jobs each week just in case.

THREE very long months went by, and then in early January after the company announced lower earnings, they also announced 50 stores would be closed nationwide and there would be some cutbacks/layoffs at the end of 4th quarter in Feb.

So after all of this time, waiting, hoping, dreaming of getting this job and all the new changes it could bring, I received this very disappointing e-mail:

Hi Karen,

I wanted to let you know that we’ve been given a directive that does not allow us to hire, instead we were ‘asked’ to take an individual from another area.

I am sorry this had dragged on so long and I’m truly saddened in that I know that you would have been perfect for the project I had planned, should you have joined our team. As a result of the above, I’ve had to re-arrange duties where I will have to take a much more active role than I had wanted to ensure it goes smoothly.

I’m not sure if the company has frozen all external hiring, but I will keep my ears open for any positions. Also, I’ll check with C____, who is over at the LLC organization to see if he has any opportunities. I’m sure if he has openings, he would love to have you there. (I already asked him, he doesn't have anything open).

Again, I’m so sorry. We really were to a point where I thought all would go as planned, but the sudden change of events in the past few weeks seems to have put us at a roadblock. I pressed hard and often and fought to bring you on but unfortunately did not have the last say.

If I can be a reference or do anything to help, please let me know.

Thank you,

Diane


So I guess that's that. I know she really did everything she could to try to get me hired, but it just didn't end up working out. And now all I keep thinking is "okay, now what?"

I've run through a long list of emotions about this decision this week. I've been angry, devastated, relieved, confused, worried, happy, unsure, etc.

I've felt relieved because I know this position would have required incredibly long hours and travel (I was told these issues specifically during my interviews) and part of my huge emotional mess about the idea of going back to work is the heartbreak the thought of being away from SD and our children so much would bring. What would my going back to work do to the way my children rely on me? And how involved I am with them? How would this change those relationships, and would it all result in negative outcomes? What would all of this do to my marriage?

But the thing is, I still fear that ANY job I end up with will end up severely limiting the time I have with my children and husband, and I'm just completely dreading the enormous amounts of time I won't be able to spend with them anymore.

At the same time, there are several benefits to me going back to work:

1. Financial security we've never had. We wouldn't be rich by any means, but we would be able to live very comfortably, affording to set aside vacation money each year, and have the ability to pay off debts much faster and help our children save for college...I can't even begin to tell you how much stress finances add to your marriage!

2. Additional medical coverage, specifically dental. Our current medical coverage is really good, but our dental is practically nonexistent. In fact, our dental covers 6 month cleanings (with a $20 copay per person)...and that's it! EVERYTHING ELSE is 100% out of pocket! Every filling, sealant, chipped tooth, crowns, braces, etc. NONE of it is covered by our craptastic insurance. Having additional dental coverage through my job would make a huge difference.

3. The dream house. Several months ago we found the most perfect home for us on the planet! If we sat down and actually wrote out all the things on our dream wish list, this house literally came as close to that list as we could ever hope for! It was seriously the kind of home I could see us living in forever. If I had obtained this job we were planning to make a new offer on this home asap. We dreamed about all the many ways we could use this home to entertain and host events with the teens at church, our small group, Bible studies, parties, etc....and now that dream won't happen.

I haven't just been banking on this one job. I've been sending out countless job applications for the past 5 months, and all I've received in return is numerous rejection letters. In the past 3 weeks I've even expanded my job search outside of the state of Idaho to include many different cities in Washington, Oregon, and California and STILL can't seem to find a job.

I'm completely panicked about what this means for our future. I'm worried about how much longer it will take me to find a job and how we'll manage to stay afloat in the meantime. I'm trying not to feel very frustrated and disappointed about this, but it's not easy. I think what bothers me most is that for several months now we've had so much financial stress and have been holding on to this idea that if we just wait a little bit longer for this job to work out then all these financial worries & unknowns will finally be over, but now that I didn't get the job, that feeling of relief from this burden hasn't come. And now I'm just feeling very lost & confused about the whole thing.

Do I keep filling out a million applications like I've been doing every week for the past 5 months? Or do I take a break from the job search for a couple of months since I know (because we're expecting a good tax return) we'll get by during that time? It really bothers me that after going through such an emotional transition to gear myself up for the reality of having to go back to work that it still hasn't happened, so now I'm not really sure what to do about it. And I'm afraid to let myself relax about the situation and enjoy this extra time at home with KW because I don't want to have to go back through the whole emotional transition all over again. I can't stop worrying about all the unknowns of what happens in 6 months or a year from now if I'm still unemployed?

We've been holding onto this dream of me getting the job for several months now, and we've said so many statements like:

"If we just wait a little bit longer..."
"If we can be patient just a little bit more..."
"Once Mommy gets this job, then..."

Clinging to this idea that life will get so much easier once I get a job, and all the extreme financial stress we've been burdened by for so long will finally be lifted...but now that I'm not getting the job that huge feeling of relief hasn't come and we're still dealing with a huge stress mess.

Plus I'm disappointed at feeling like we were able to see this glimpse of a new life we could've had, one without constant financial stress, a beautiful new home where we had so many plans, etc. We've always struggled financially through our entire marriage, so it was really nice to imagine not having to bear that cross anymore. But the longer it takes me to find a job, the more those things still aren't happening.

At this point we're still considering placing our home back on the market this summer but only so we can sell it and rent for a while to hopefully use the proceeds to pay off our Suburban to make room for starting to pay our enormous student loans next year when we're both done with school. Ugh!

I know God has a plan for us, and part of me is actually very relieved to know I didn't get the job (because of the extremely long hours and travel again), but I guess I'd just really appreciate it if God would tell me what that plan is. I'm so tired of being patient & waiting to find out! I just don't have the best attitude about this whole thing right now.

You know what's interesting? As much as my current situation has been so frustrating, at the same time, esp. as we've been studying the end times prophesied about in the book of Daniel at Bible study, part of me keeps felling like my little problems just seem so completely insignificant in the whole grand scheme of things, and that compared to so many other people I have already been enormously blessed beyond measure, so I should just stop being such a cry baby about it. It's hard to believe that while God has this whole huge plan for the world already set in motion that in the meantime he would bother to care about any of my little gripes and complaints.

So where does all of this leave me? I don't know. I guess still very frustrated and confused. At this point I don't know what to do next or which direction to go. For now, the only way I'm dealing with this situation is through avoidance (yeah, that's healthy!). Maybe a short break from the job search would be a really good idea right now.

1 Month and Still Going

My workout regime last week ended up being rather pathetic, but the fact that it's been a month and I haven't already quit speaks volumes! Yeah, it was a bad week, but I'm still going.

I think the problem was all the fault of my scale (yeah, that's a good excuse, let's blame it on the scale!) because it tricked me into thinking I could afford to slack off a little bit here and there after weighing in at 144 lbs.

But then all of a sudden I would tell myself I could get away with eating a few more calories today...or working out a little less this time...or even skipping a day of exercise. And then it didn't help things any when I woke up with 2 days full of typically monthly bloating & cramps that made me feel like never getting out of bed, much less dragging my lazy butt onto the treadmill (no it doesn't just last 2 days, those are just the worst ones). So then I began to notice a BIG change in the amount of daily energy I've had...and by Sunday I was seriously jonesing for a Full Throttle, esp. after the evil scale then told me I was back up to 147 lbs.

But I didn't give into temptation for too long and realized a couple of bad days isn't enough to make me quit, and I'm just going to chalk them up and focus on today. So that's what I've done the past few days and on Monday had my best run time so far of 1.5 miles = 15:30 minutes! Yeah!!!!

It was also the first time I ran passed the first 5 min. without slowing down to walk. I ran consistently at 6mph for the first 10 min., then walked for 1 min. at 3mph, and then ran back at 6mph for the rest of the time to 15:30. Of course, I had to hold onto the handle bars for the last 2 minutes, but so what, I'm still making better progress just a little bit each day.

And today my run time was very close at 15:40, plus 25 min. on my elliptical bike, followed by another 20 min. combination of oblique twists and backwards walking on my treadmill...and this morning my scale was back down to 145 lbs., which makes sense with the water weight gone too.

This fitness journey is definitely a daily struggle that I have to recommit myself to each and every morning, but I'm determined to succeed!

The Beauty of Pregnancy

Today I'm really frustrated and in a bad mood. I've been working on a post to explain why, but just can't bring myself to type out all my feelings yet. Anyway, in the meantime, I received the most amazing gift in the mail this week...on a day when I really needed it.

Three years ago I had some maternity photos taken for the very first time...and during my last opportunity to do so, since it was with our youngest baby. It's a long story, but I had never received or even seen those photos until 2 days ago. They were worth the wait, because they turned out so beautifully!!!

There are more shots than these, but the ones I'm sharing are my absolute favorites! I was shocked to see some that I thought actually made the beached whale that I was actually look somewhat thin, or even hot, while other shots really make my stomach hurt. But for the most part, I'm pretty sure it's photos like these that make women forget just how painful and long pregnancy can be.

See, I told you I used to have boobs! I swear that's always the first place you end up losing weight! {sigh}

Many of the shots are in both color and black & white, and I can't decide which ones I like better?

I love SD's expression in this one.

Love this one! It actually looks like pregnancy wasn't chronically uncomfortable.

Another one I can't decide if I like in color or b&w better?

Yet another color/b&w toss up.

LOVE this one! I even love my hair in it too. And my arm actually looks skinny.

One of my top favorites!

And yeah, love this one too. So intimate and loving. My husband never poses for photos like this, so it's such a treasure to have them.

Okay, this family shot is great, but it really makes my stomach hurt! It's amazing how much my children have grown in just 3 years too.

Another top favorite shot. If you ever have the opportunity to have candid maternity shots taken with a great photojournalist, you will never regret it. You may feel a little weird and exposed with your giant belly hanging out, but seriously, you'll be amazed at how beautiful the photos turn out to be!

Back when IK was shorter than me. Now he's at least 5 inches taller and still growing!

Again, can't decide between color and b&w.

I couldn't resist this shot, it's so priceless!

I don't know how, but even my enormous backside doesn't look huge in these profile shots.

I'm so thankful for these photos, I can't even begin to express how much I love having them! Of course, I know what you're thinking...doesn't looking at these photos make me want to have another baby?

And of course the answer is NO! What am I, stupid? We've taken care of that issue, thank you. I've been immensely blessed to have 4 children, and that's plenty. Besides, just because an amazing photographer captures the wonderful, precious moments of pregnancy doesn't make me forget how painful, nauseous, long, and incredibly uncomfortable 9 months actually is. Not to mention all the aftermath and pain associated with giving birth and recouping. And seriously how much rubberband type stretching in and out can my flabtasically worn out stomach take?

Nope, I love these photos, and I love my children, but I'm ready to have my body back all to myself! I mean, I've been pregnant 6 times, 4 of which carried to term, and I've nursed every child for at least 2 years, a couple of them for 2 1/2 years, which means I've either been pregnant or nursing for over 13 years!!!!! Yep, I'm done! :o)

In the Waiting

In the Waiting


by

Greg Long

Log Your Run

I found a new tool today. It's a pretty useful site called Log Your Run. The site allows you to enter your fitness information for a variety of sports (running, swimming, biking, walking, strength training, etc.) and then shows your progress in several different ways.

The site will graph your info. and show progress by week, month, or year. You can also keep track of the weather in your area, so for runners or those biking you can keep track of what the weather was like outside during your best & worst times, etc.

It has built in training programs you can follow to train for different events, and you can enter event dates for races coming up. Here's a clip of one way the site shows my running time progress based on the info. I input:

The picture becomes more blurry if I try to make it any bigger, but you get the idea with the date & time column on the far left, followed by the type of run, my time to finish, the distance I ran, and the pace of each run per mile. So far I'm making some pretty good progress.

The site is a great tool, and just being able to review my running times is another great motivator to keep going. So I guess it's time to quit putting it off and get my butt on that treadmill!

Thyroid Cancer and Me, part 2

Where I left off in part 1:

SD left for Kuwait, leaving me home alone with 3 small children facing unknown cancer treatments at the time. The day after he left I met with my new doctor at MSTI and he explained the treatment was radioactive iodine therapy.

Step 6: Radioactive Iodine Therapy
So fortunately, the treatment of thyroid cancer is different from other cancers. Because thyroid cancer can be spread through the lymph nodes to other areas of your body, this treatment is necessary to kill any and all remaining traces of your thyroid.

The process involves swallowing an enormous, radioactive horse pill. Followed by a total body scan to detect any traces of thyroid activity in your body, and if detected then you repeat this process.

Problem 1: While many causes of thyroid cancer are unknown, one of the few known potential causes is exposure to radiation. So because I had 3 small children, particularly a 2 year old who is used to hugging all over her mommy every day, I was advised I would need to stay away from my kids for 1 week until the radiation in my body had all disappeared and there were no concerns about any exposure to my children.

So I made arrangements to stay with a good friend, Laurie, who was our children's pastor and a single woman with a large home, which was important since she (and everyone) needed to stay across the room from me for the first 2-3 days to avoid raditation exposure. SD's parents stayed at our home and took care of my children while I was gone.

Problem 2: I can't swallow pills. It's a genetic thing, my dad can't swallow pills either. In fact, the only way I can swallow pills at all is by hiding them in a piece of food, which I realize makes absolutely no sense, because it creates a much larger item to swallow, but whatever.

I discussed this problem with my doctor ahead of time and he told me it would be no problem for me to swallow the pill with a cracker.

Problem 3: the Radiology Technician from Hell
Laurie went with me to my appointment to swallow the horse pill, and in hindsight I was so thankful I had a witness to what happened!

We were taken back to a small room at the end of a secluded hallway away from everyone else in the hospital. The technician just happened to be one of those people who believed his job was FAR more important than it actually was, and made it a point to scare me (and all of the patients he saw) as much as he possibly could.

He began by telling me I needed to consider myself an infectious disease...that I was a harmful threat to everyone around me and told Laurie if it were him that he wouldn't stay in the same building with me following this treatment for fear of radiation exposure. He did everything he could to put huge boogyman fears into my mind...ME!...at the incredibly fragile emotional state I was in with a husband deployed for the very first time and 3 children I couldn't be with.

I told him I needed to swallow the pill with a piece of food as I had discussed with my doctor. He told me that was not possible, that my doctor was totally incompetent and he had needed to correct my doctor on these issues on more than one occassion. He insisted I try to swallow the pill with water alone first. I tried to tell him over and over it would be a futile effort, but he wouldn't listen.

So then he has my friend go around the corner while he proceeds to put on huge gloves and retrieve the pill from a refrgierated container that looked like a scene from the movie The Rock where Nicholas Cage is disassembling the bombs really carefully.

I try to swallow the pill and it doesn't work. I explain it's just not going to happen without a small piece of food. At this point I'm standing there with this giant pill on my tongue arguing with him about the problem. Then he starts frantically running all around me yelling things about how this is a major problem and the radiation in the pill must already be beginning to leak out into the room exposing him and Laurie to all kinds of extremely unsafe stuff. WAY over the top behaviors!

He finally runs and grabs me a slice of bread where I tear off a small piece and am finally able to swallow the pill. Immediately he rushes us out of the hospital as fast as he can possibly move explaining to Laurie what an incredible danger to society I am now and how I should basically crawl under a rock and hide.

He also tells me I should stay away from all of society for a minimum of 2 MONTHS!!!!! And if I happen to become nauseous within the next 24 hours then we need to keep the vomit in a trashcan and bring it into the hospital so they can see if I absorbed the whole pill or if I need to take another one. Yeah, can you say crazy man!!!

Laurie takes me back to her house and leaves to work at the church for a little while. The total oddity of the whole morning and this guy's behaviors and out of line comments to me just don't make sense, so I try to contact my doctor to ask about what he said...especially about the whole being away from my kids for 2 months issue.

Well, I can't reach my doctor, figures. And I can't reach his on call back up. So I try to call my regular family doctor for a second opinion, but when I'm put through to the nurse and explain why I want to talk to the doctor she (without knowing ANY details of my case) tells me that I need to follow WHATEVER directions I was told by the radiology technician...and if those directions didn't match what my doctor told me, that didn't matter.

She said she had a friend who had cancer and she had to stay away from her children for over 5 months, so if I was told I had to stay away from my children for 2 months, then I simply had to do it, no questions asked. She told me I would expose them to harmful radiation and end up giving them cancer too.

I hung up the phone and completely and totally LOST IT!!!!! {I'm amazed, even now, 4 years later just recalling what happened I'm brought to tears.}

I had never been away from my children longer than 1 week their entire lives before. My husband was half way around the world and I couldn't bear the thought of losing my children for so long! And how would they feel being abandoned by both of their parents? Their dad was in a war zone and their mom was fighting cancer. (which we had decided was more of a burden than we wanted them to carry, so we only told them daddy was on a very safe trip and mommy just had some bad lumps in her neck and had to take some medicine to get rid of them).

By this time it was late afternoon and I hadn't eaten all day. Partially because I wasn't allowed to eat anything that morning because of the treatment, and then later I was far too distraught to eat. I finally (hysterically) got ahold of Laurie and she came home. While trying to calm me down, she called repeatedly until she finally got in touch with the on call doctor to explain everything we had been told.

He was shocked! None of the things the radiology technician told us were true, and he had blown it all up to enormous proportions. But by that time I had become sick and threw up...in a trash can as we had been instructed. That didn't make any sense to the doctor, who said we couldn't just throw it out because it could contain some radiology.

They feared I could become very dehydrated and lose consciousness, so I was admitted to the hospital overnight and placed on an IV. The doctor told us to bring the trash can of vomit so it could be delivered to the technician who made up those instructions.

When we arrived at the hospital they had to put me in a room where every single inch was covered in plastic because of the potential for radiation exposure. It was a scene out of E.T. I filed a formal complaint against the technician and a couple of hospital employees came by to hear my account of what had happened...all of which never should have occurred. There was no reason I should have ended up in the hospital.

Meanwhile, SD had been trying to call me that day to see how my treatment had gone. Keep in mind he's calling all the way from Kuwait. He can't reach my cell phone and after 4 attempts he calls his parents and his mother stupidly tells him something happened and I'm in the hospital. She knew more details about what was going on than that because she had spoken to me earlier that day and I had told her all about the stuff the technician had told me and I was trying to confirm it all with my doctor.

Frantically, SD finally gets the information and calls my hospital room. He was so upset and scared for me and didn't know what to do and if he should get on the first plane home. He had only been in Kuwait for less than a week.

And as much as it killed me, as much as I so desperately needed to reach through that phone and pull him through, I sat there in the hospital bed and did my best to convince my husband not to come home. This trip was crucial to his ability to obtain a full-time position with the Air National Guard when he returned home, and we both knew if he didn't stay there his chances would be ruined.

I spent the night in the hospital and was released the next day and went home with Laurie where I stayed by myself all week, with no husband and no children. I had nothing to do and couldn't be around anyone.

When I finally saw my doctor he apologized profusely at the incredible ordeal I had been put through. He had also called the hospital and chewed them out for the behavior of this technician, who apparently had a few other similar patient complaints against him. Two years later I heard through a friend he had eventually been fired because of this repeat behavior to several cancer patients and I couldn't have been more glad!!!

Anyway, that horrific ordeal aside, my follow up body scan revealed no traces of any thyroid activity in my body, which meant I didn't have to go through any repeat treatments. Thank God!!!

When the week was over I went home to be with my children and my husband ended up being deployed for only 2 months coming home just in time for Christmas.

Step 7: Follow up care & Today
After the cancer treatment, it's very important to monitor blood levels to make sure there's nothing left in my system and no traces of cancerous activity.

So the follow up care involved me coming in to have my blood drawn every few weeks, then once every 3 months for a while, and finally once every six months which is where I am now, until I reach my 5 year cancer free mark and then I'll go to once per year check ups for the rest of my life.

I have been cancer free now for 4 years as of Oct. 2008, and aside from the 6 month appointments to draw blood and the tiny pill I take each morning, it's no longer part of my life. I always receive a lot of surprising looks when I'm waiting in the lobby for those appointments because I'm now 33 and I've never seen any other patients there younger than their 60's.

And of course I'm usually waiting with all my young children (now 4 of them) in tow. It may sound kind of strange, but one of my doctors had actually told me that if I HAD to choose a type of cancer to have, that thyroid cancer would be it...because it's the only type of cancer measured in 10 year survival rates (all others are measured in 5 years) and is very often curable.

About 2 years ago our regular family doctor left his practice and we were told it was because his thyroid cancer from 10 years prior had come back and he was retiring as a result to take care of his health.

But last week when I called to make an appointment for the celiac (gluten sensitivity) testing I was shocked to learn he was back! I saw him yesterday and told him I was shocked to see he was back and he said, "so was I." I didn't ask him for the details, but his cancer is once again gone and he's in good enough health to be practicing once again. A very comforting thought to me.

Today my life and health are as back to normal as can possibly be. And now I'm blessed to not only be healthy, but I now have 4 beautiful children. Cancer is no longer part of my life, it's history. But it's also a reminder of how truly blessed I am to have each day with my family.

If you know someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, do not say:
1. "Wow, that could never happen to me!"
2. "I don't know how you do it, I could never deal with that."
3. "I'm sorry, I know how you feel."

Because even if you've been through cancer, you still have no idea how that person feels. You don't know what they're going through because it's different for each person. You can sympathize if you've been there like me, but don't assume you now know everything, and definitely don't dismiss their feelings and just tell them it'll all be fine.

And if you know someone who's loved one has just been deployed, do not say:
1. "Wow, that must be so hard on you."
2. "I could never be gone from my husband for so long."
3. "How long has he been gone? Wow, that went by fast already."

And especially, don't joke and say:
4. "So, how's it feel to be a widow?"

Yeah, that was literally said to me! I know it was meant to be a lighthearted joke, as in a golfing widow or an MBA widow, but when your husband is deployed to place where the chances of your actually becoming a widow are a real possibility...this is the absolute WORST possible way to phrase "how's it going?" and ask someone how they're coping. Don't say it. Ever.

And in either of these situations don't feel compelled to say ANYTHING!!!! Because most of the time you'll end up giving bad advise they don't want to hear, you'll say the wrong thing, or you'll be the 100th person to ask them about their cancer diagnosis or deployed loved one that day and remind them for the millionth time of the difficult situation they're facing.

Some people crave all the extra attention during these times, and I know you don't want to come across as incencitive by not asking how they're doing, but seriously, for me, don't bring it up. If I want to talk about, I will. But don't make it any harder on me than it already is.

Okay, sorry for the tangent, I'll get off my soapbox now.

My original purpose here was to simply share my story of cancer in my life. Take it for what it's worth. And again I hope it can provide some comfort for those who need it.

***And if you ever run into any psycho technicians or nurses who won't listen to you and try to tell you scary things, don't believe them!!! Do whatever you have to do to get in touch with your doctor you can trust.

Thyroid Cancer and Me

Other than a brief mention the other day, I've never blogged about this before, but in 2004 I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. It was one of the most difficult times in my life and during that time I found 2 things to be very helpful: researching as much as I could on the Internet and speaking with other cancer survivors and hearing their stories.

I'll warn you now, this post is really long! But I don't know any other way to share my story., and it wouldn't be appropriate to casually sum up such a tough subject. So here it is, and for anyone who may be struggling with a cancer diagnosis, or anyone who has a loved one dealing with this issue, I hope my story sheds some insight and provides comfort for those who need it.

In the summer of 2004 I was sitting at the computer one night and all of a sudden my right arm became slightly numb and I felt incredibly dizzy and lightheaded. It didn't last long, but long enough to concern me with what was going on. I never go to the doctor, unless it's totally necessary, so these symptoms were just odd enough that I felt the need to go.

Of course, by the time my appointment came I had not experienced those symptoms I tried to describe again (figures). But while I was there my doctor was checking me over and felt a large bump in my neck. At first I shrugged it off, because I've always had an enlarged goiter, so it wasn't uncommon for doctors to remark about the size of the lump in my neck at regular check ups. They would always order some blood work to be done, and it would always come back normal, so I wasn't concerned.

{What I found out later was that my family doctor is also a thyroid cancer survivor, now going on more than 12 years, so when he found the lump in my neck, he wanted to make sure he knew what it was.}

If it weren't for the continued curiosity of my doctor I don't know how much longer it would have taken to discover my diagnosis, because I had no symptoms.

Step 1: Blood Tests
So the first step was of course to draw blood and check my thyroglobulin levels. The blood work came back normal.

Step 2: Ultrasound
Next I went through an ultrasound to try figure out what the lump was in my neck. I'm not really sure in hindsight what they could tell from this test, or perhaps it was just a standard procedure? But it also provided no help.

Step 3: Thyroid Nodule Biopsy (Fine Needle Aspiration)
This part was interesting. I went to the hospital and to the radiology section where they stuck a huge needle in my neck several times to numb the whole area. And then they inserted a long needle to gather samples of the lump in my neck and to measure its size.

It was then I discovered the large lump on the left side of my thyroid was 5.5 cm! And not only that but I also had 2 more lumps on the right side of my thyroid which were smaller between 1-2 cm big.

I think the job of a radiologist must be very frustrating to know what the results of many tests are but not be able to tell the patients anything...and it goes without saying that it's far worse on the end of the patient!

For more details on this biopsy process go here and here.

A biopsy has 4 possible outcomes:
1. benign.
2. malignant.
3. suspicious.
4. indeterminate.

And of course, just to add to all the stressfulness and prolong the waiting, my biopsy proved to be suspicious. They could not tell whether my results were benign or malignant...which means the only way to know for sure is to have surgery.

***Keep in mind that several weeks have been going by between each doctor's visit and test. This was not a quick process by any means!!!! My initial visit to the doctor was back in end of June and now it's Sept. 1st!

And let's talk about what else was going on in my life at this same time.
1. I was 28 years old - and naively, as many young, healthy people do, I believed these were issues that only old people dealt with. Cancer didn't happen to people my age.
2. I had 3 young children - ages 9, 7, and 2...which further justified my reasoning that none of this could really be happening to me.
3. My husband was in the process of switching careers and going to work for the military full-time. In the middle of August he was placed on active duty orders and we were awaiting what would be his very first overseas deployment to Kuwait (keep in mind this is 2004, so the Iraq war was still a major issue).

Step 4: Surgery - Total Thyroidectomy
I had never had surgery of any kind before. And in this situation I had a couple of options:
1. I could have the left side of my thyroid removed where the really large 5.5 cm lump was and have it checked. If it came back benign...great...but what about the lumps on the other side? And if it came back malignant I would have to go back in for surgery a second time to take out the other half.
2. I could have my whole thyroid removed in 1 surgery...but then I would have to take a daily thyroid supplement for the rest of my life. If I only remove half of my thyroid I wouldn't need to do this.

Well, since I had lumps on both sides it made more sense to remove the whole thing and only go through one surgery recovery time. And since my mom and older sister had been taking thyroid supplements for years for hypothyroidism, I knew it wasn't any big deal to do.

For more details on this surgery go here.

We had decided to take our annual family photos prior to my surgery that year so I wouldn't have a big ugly scar in the pictures to remember. My next door neighbor at the time happened to be a photographer. And since this post is on a rather heavy subject, I thought I'd lighten it up a little by sharing those wonderful photos.

{Side note: I made the cardinal mistake of deciding to try a new haircut, which could only be explained by a horrific mushroom type look...and unfortunately could only manage to be salvaged by chopping off all my beautiful long hair into this really short cut.}

These photos were taken on 8/31/04, the night before my surgery.

My gorgeous children:


IK - age 9.


EJ - age 7.


LA -age 2 1/2.

The surgery went well, although I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and was really sick to my stomach for several hours. After I came home the next few days were really frustrating because of the immobility in my neck. It's amazing how much you don't realize how reliant you are of certain parts of your body until you can't use them! But in all, my recovery went well.

Step 5: Diagnosis
So while I was at home recouping from surgery, I was also anxiously awaiting the results of my long awaited diagnosis. But the results took much longer than normal. Why? Because there were 2 pathologists in this area: one was convinced it was cancer, and the other was convinced it wasn't...and they could not come to an agreement on my results. Fantastic!

To solve this dilemma, slide samples of my thyroid were sent back east to a specialist at the University of Pennsylvania...who just happened to be on vacation!!!

Three...three...THREE very long, completely agonizing, PAINSTAKINGLY slow weeks went by!!! Some of the longest weeks of my life, while I contemplated what it would mean to actually be diagnosed with cancer...to actually think it could be a real possibility.

My relatives would call every day to see if I had any news. I cried more times than I can remember at the slightest thought of what the big "C" word, cancer, could mean, and whether or not I would be here for my children...but every time that thought came into my mind I immediately dismissed it, because I knew with every ounce of certainty that it simply was NOT an option!

FINALLY, the day came and my surgeon called to tell me the news. All this time I had been waiting, every late night I couldn't go to sleep, I would search the Internet for all the information I could possibly find about all the various diagnoses he could tell me and what each of them meant.

My surgeon happened to be one who severely lacked a good bedside manner...he was a doctor with an excellent reputation for successful surgeries, but terrible comfort skills. Of course, given the choice, I'd much rather have a good surgeon who lacks a bedside manner, than to have a crappy surgeon.

Anyway, he called me and very nonchalantly explained to me rather briefly that my results came back as follicular carcinoma. If I hadn't done so much Internet research, I would've had no clue what that meant...but instead I knew those were the exact words I did not want to hear him say. Follicular carcinoma = malignancy = cancer.

For more info. on follicular carcinoma go here and here.

At this point I wasn't really sure if I should say "I have cancer" or "I had cancer" since my whole thyroid had already been removed? I was too stunned to ask my doctor on the phone who simply told me I would now be referred to MSTI (Mountain States Tumor Institute).

I was sitting in the office next to my husband when I received that call and neither of us knew what to say. I just remember being so stunned because I had thoroughly convinced myself that it couldn't possibly be cancer and I simply knew my doctor would eventually call to tell me that fact, but that's not what happened.

The worst part? I finally received that diagnosis just 4 days before my husband left for Kuwait...and he had no definite scheduled return date. I'm convinced it's only by the grace of God I managed to retain my sanity through that time!

SD left for Kuwait, leaving me home alone with 3 small children facing unknown cancer treatments at the time. The day after he left I met with my new doctor at MSTI and he explained the treatment was radioactive iodine therapy.

because this post is sooooo long, I'm breaking it up into 2 parts...