Summer Highlights, part 2: June

The month of June, lots of playtime for KW.

EJ's 13th birthday.

The new shawl I crocheted for her, looks really great on her.

June didn't feel much like summer at all for IK, mainly because he spent the entire month, M-F, attending driver's ed training. I managed to catch a quick shot of him driving one morning when I went to pick him up.

Just watching TV, love how messy KW's face is!

Summer Highlights, part 1

So, yesterday the weather was extremely gloomy. Gray, cloudy, rainy, and I managed not only to have a huge Debbie Downer type of day, but I also succeeded in helping the rest of my family to have that kind of day right along with me. Way to go, Karen.

Then last night we went to church. SD, IK, and EJ sang in the choir, LA and KW played in their various classes, and I hung out with the teens as usual. This year we're seeing a big shift in the interns. The past couple of years we've had a ton of male interns, but now it's shifted and the girls are taking over. I'm finding myself in a position where I'm not only building relationships mentoring the teens, but also several of the interns too.

I ended up getting into the biggest case of the giggles with one of the interns last night. We're talking seriously gut busting, in tears, laughing so hard, at something completely ridiculous of course. Every time I tried to pull it together, I'd look at her sitting next to me, still uncontrollably laughing, and end up busting up all over again. It was exactly what I needed. 

Life has been far too serious around here, and I found myself still enormously frustrated by my stressful circumstances, but at the point where I'm wondering if God is trying to teach me how to be content regardless of what's happening around me, good or bad? It's hard to fight all those natural tendencies of worry about finances, and uncertainty about any future career I might have, really hard. But in the midst of that, I'm seeing that there's only so much I can possibly do to change my circumstances, and in the meantime I don't want to be so focused on those stresses that I end up missing out on all the good stuff going on around me.

Realizing it's been forever since I posted any pictures, I went browsing back through my camera and decided this morning that I would catch up by posting a bunch of our more happy summer highlights. And (no surprise) I went sifting through a million photos I've taken over the past few months and found an abundance of really happy memories.

I've been so focused, so all consumed with all the financial stress messes of life, that it's totally overshadowed all the good stuff going on. Like the simple fact that I have 4 amazing kids...4 totally healthy children, who are all very happy, enjoying life. That in itself is HUGE! Our family is very close, together, and I don't know how we could handle all of these other stresses if it were any other way.

So with that, I thought I'd brighten up the mood on my blog and share lots of those much more fun & happy summer highlights.

The backyard started off looking so nice this year, grass trimmed neatly, all the weeds gone,  kids playing  on the swingset, a new stone walkway, and several big new planter boxes SD made as part of the big gardening plans we had.

That was in May. But then of course SD never found the time to install sprinklers for the garden area, I never found time to plant anything, and the stupid weeds decided to move back in. Ugh! By the time August rolled around you couldn't even see the totally buried walkway and planter boxes anymore.

So I dug them all up, plowed down all the enormous weeds, and we'll plan to start over on this area again next year. 

Also back in May, I decided I was sick of all the fighting from my girls who shared a bedroom, and KW having his own room that he never slept in, so we moved EJ into her own bedroom and moved KW into sharing a room with LA.

I found this daybed on Craigslist for $25 and the trundle underneath for $50, not bad! Now we just need to find another cheap twin mattress so she can use the trundle when she has friends sleepover.

LA and KW's room originally looked like this. It felt way too crowded in there, so we've moved the desk and a small bookshelf out into the living room now.

They just received a second mattress (on loan from a friend) so that LA can sleep on the top bunk, which is good since KW will be sharing the bottom bunk with his cousin soon.

Alright, there's lots more summer highlights pictures to come, but this post is long enough. Aren't you glad I finally switched it up from my series of down in the dumps novels? Yeah, me too.

New Look

Like the new banner? My kids have changed so much. I don't really notice much in the day to day stuff, but when you look back at pics from 1 year ago it's amazing to see so many changes in each one of them.

So I decided my blog needed a fresh update, went searching for some decent, fairly new pics of each child, and it's funny how completely by accident my boys seem to be striking the same pose. Funny. I love how different each pic is, and how much they provide insight into each child's personality. All of these shots were taken in the last 2 months...unbelievable how blessed I am to have them all.

***Warning: kind of self-centered pity party ahead. Read at your own risk!

I've got a mixed bag of emotions going on lately, mainly struggling with a lot of feelings of discontent.

     dis·con·tent
       a. Absence of contentment; dissatisfaction.
       b. A restless longing for better circumstances.

Sounds really spoiled and selfish to say, esp. right after I mention being so blessed. I'm not really struggling with the discontentment of trying to keep up with the Jones' or anything, gave up on that years ago. Instead it's a lot more struggling with feelings of failure, as a parent not being able to provide better circumstances for my children...a life where the overwhelming financial stresses aren't passed onto my children each day.

I'm so unbelievably sick to death of living life just barely getting by, with less than 2 bucks in the bank, and a list a mile long of all the things we need to provide but simply can't. Not the wants list, I'm talking about the actual needs list...like pants for children who have completely outgrown everything, new glasses to replace prescriptions and lenses that are several years old, and enough money for gasoline in 2 vehicles (because right now we're down to driving just 1 car because in all seriousness we can't afford to buy any gasoline).

I don't need to make a million dollars, or to even have a high paying job at all, but seriously how much longer will we have to carry around this enormous financial burden??? It's one thing to have it affect the things you'd like to do in life, and to instill good money habits and lessons in your kids, but we've gone far past that now and it's such a constant depressing atmosphere.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. We're on the cusp of hopefully receiving some long awaited answers to pray in a few areas. First, we've finally received an offer to purchase my motorcycle we've been trying to sell all year. A man in Iowa saw the listing and had his son who lives here come by to test drive it for his mother. They fell in love with the bike and are offering the full asking price of $2,300, which is awesome since right now we only owe approx. $1,800 on the bike. SD's planning to go to the bank to pay off the loan and transfer the title on Sat. As some of our other bills continue to rise it'll be wonderful to get rid of this $103 monthly payment and be able to shift that money to another area.

And yesterday we received a phone call that our loan from SD's tsp was approved and is currently being processed, so we should receive the funds in 3-5 business days. So that means hopefully next week we will be able to completely pay off 3 huge credit cards (eliminating those 3 monthly payments), pay a sizable chunk of our 4th credit card off, pay for new glasses for SD and EJ, buy a few new clothes for IK and EJ, and pay for my root canal coming up later this week (yeah, so not looking forward to that!). All of that good news can't come fast enough! 

As I look around, in virtually every area, life is going really well. IK has a 4.0 gpa, he's enjoying all of his classes, he's playing soccer with his 2 best friends, and enjoying being involved in all the youth group activities. EJ and LA are both doing very well in school, no issues with friends, etc. KW is unbelievably smart, not just with pre-school lessons, but overall SD and I have been noticing how advanced he seems to be in speech, everyday conversations and comprehension, etc. Remembering back to when IK was this age, it seems as if KW is far advanced in all of those things...makes me wonder if it's a result of having older siblings? Since he not only learns from daily interactions with me and SD, but also through time spent with older siblings and friends who teach him new things each day? Anyway,the point is they're all very happy.

Going back to my feelings of discontent, here's the part where I feel especially selfish in thought. Despite the money woes, my family is very happy. SD loves his job, loves singing each week with his quartet, my kids all love their lives here, but all I can think about is how much I can't stand it here! How much I am sick to death of living here in Nampa and how I absolutely don't want to stay here forever!

I've been filling out job applications in other states now (because there's nothing here and it's getting worse). I daydream about moving out of state, starting a whole new exciting chapter in our lives, getting away from everything here we know and instead living somewhere else far, far away and completely different...with a new house, new neighborhood, new job, new church, new grocery stores, etc. I've been job hunting in different places where other Guard bases are with A-10's where SD could try to transfer his position.

We've made calls about possible openings, browsed the housing market, and even researched schools and churches in those areas. But still no job offers, and then of course I feel totally guilty at the thoughts of how what sounds so completely wonderful and amazing to me, would end up being the end of the world as far as IK's concerned,...because his life here is perfect, and I'd be totally ruining that if I moved our family anywhere else. And then I think back to how my parents "ruined my life" back at the beginning of my senior year of high school, how much I hated them for that, how damaged our relationships became as I began a major rebellious stage to get back at them for it. And I can't stand the thought of how much damage I could potentially end up causing my family.

These issues would've been so much easier when my kids were little! If it were just LA and KW, and to a major extent EJ would be totally fine with up and moving somewhere else, and all of them would actually be really excited about it. SD's even on board with it, even though it would mean giving up singing each week with his quartet. But IK is a major deal breaker...it just doesn't work for him, at all! So then all I can think about is how we're simply stuck here, forever.

Is all of that really selfish and spoiled to think about? Should I force my family to pursue my dream and move them far away just so I can finally be happy? Why can't I seem to find a way to feel happy and content with my life here? I mean, my whole family is happy here, so what's my problem?

So, despite how unbelievably awful it sounds to me, should we wait 3 more years until IK graduates and then try to leave? He'll be starting college then, and all that much more tied to things here. What if he still doesn't want to leave? What if he refuses and stays here while the rest of us move away? I can't even bear that thought! One of the major reasons he wants to go to college here is because it's the closest place to home. Is it totally selfish of me to think of trying to persuade him into considering other colleges in other states where I'd rather live?

What about all the unknowns for my future career? Is there one? Talk about discontent, frustration, and feeling discouraged! What's the whole point of all those years I spent in school, all my degrees, if nothing's ever going to come of it?!!! The longer it takes me to find a job, ANY job, the more useless I feel...the less desirable to employers I think I am. Who wants to hire a stay at home mom who's been out of work for more than 6 years now????

All of these thoughts are monopolizing my brain these days, leaving me extremely unmotivated to do much of anything. I don't want to bake anything, sew anything, definitely don't want to exercise (which is even more discouraging because all my jeans are way too tight), and I absolutely don't want to fill out another stupid job application!!! And then I feel pissed off at myself for acting like such a spoiled, selfish cry baby. My life is so richly blessed in so many ways and yet I can't find a way to be happy with it.

Hmmphh. Not really sure what else to say, because that's most of what I'm feeling lately. I hate it, but I can't seem to get past any of it right now. It explains my lack of blogging too, because the last thing I feel like doing is turning my blog into a majorly depressing rant of my discouraged, spoiled thoughts. But then again, sometimes it really helps to vent what's really going on in life.

In other news, next week my niece will start living with us, adding one more child to care for and throwing a slightly different dynamic into our family life for a while. My baby is sick today, coming down with a croupy, coughy, feverish cold. Think I'll end this Debbie Downer post and go cuddle with him.

I guess all I really want is a way to be able to find peace and contentment in the middle of my circumstances, regardless of what they are. And also to find some extremely clear direction on what in the world I'm supposed to be doing? With my career? As a mom? With taking risks and chances in our lives? With doing what's best for my kids? All of it.

It's September

I seriously hate that summer's over and fall is beginning. The weather's turning colder, putting us in that annoying stage of the season where it's really cold in the mornings, and totally warm in the afternoons. The sun is setting earlier, our schedule's are filling up, and it's time to start pulling out all the jackets and long pants.

The worst part about fall is that living out here means we miss out on what's hands down the absolute BEST part about fall...all the gorgeous shades of leaves as they change colors! We have some trees out here, so you can see it a little bit, but it's NOTHING in comparison to the rolling hills, after hills, after hills of lush, purely breathtaking fall colors in millions of trees as far as the eye can see...the picture I grew up with back east.

Few things compare to that kind of beauty, esp. when I think about driving down curvy back roads where the trees are so tall that they overhang on both sides of the road, creating a beautiful tunnel of warm, fall colors in reds, oranges, yellows, and browns. Out of all the positives to living out here in the west, this lack of fall beauty is certainly one of the big negatives. sigh.

Anyhow, aside from that, things are going alright. The kids are slowly transitioning back into school. They're tired in the mornings, but the routine is starting to set back in. IK and LA are beginning to fight the starts of fall head colds, I think the change in early morning colder weather has a lot to do with it. So we're drinking a lot of hot tea with honey in the mornings, dishing out cold medicine when it's worse, and trying to make sure they get enough sleep...busy schedules and mounds of homework make that a little tough sometimes.

But overall the kids are doing very well with homework and grades in general. IK has started playing fall soccer and will begin playing games and working as a ref soon. EJ has decided she loves playing her cello, but wants to take a break from it this year to be a TA (teacher's assistant). Both SD and I think that's a mistake, but after several conversations we're letting EJ make the decision on her own, just as we did with LA who's taking a year off from playing soccer. 

We don't want to ever force our kids to do anything, esp. if they feel like they need a break from it, and end up resenting us for forcing it on them, even if we think it might be something they regret giving up...it's a decision they'll have to live with. So we've explained all of this and left it up to the kids to make the decision. We also figure it's good to begin letting your kids make some of these smaller decisions for themselves, so as they get older they're more used to thinking and acting for themselves (instead of ending up with teenagers who don't know how to handle anything on their own).

KW is doing really well with pre-school. He loves learning new things each day and is really catching on and retaining the info. quickly! The other day we didn't get around to his lesson until rather late in the afternoon, after the rest of the kids had already come home from school. As LA was sitting at the table with us doing her homework, she was very impressed with how much KW already knew in such a short amount of time! (Side note: it's really cool as a parent to become excited as you watch your children experience and accomplish new things, but it's also really cool to watch your older kids become that excited when they watch their little brothers/sisters accomplish something).

The shop is going well. August finished out with a total of 26 patterns sold, beating my July total by one, which is awesome. Since I started selling my patterns in the 3rd week of May, I've continued to increase my monthly sales as follows:

May    8 patterns

June    23 patterns

July     25 patterns

Aug    26 patterns

And so far I've already sold 2 patterns in Sept. (well, one pattern and one buy 2 for $10 deal), so this month is off to a great start. All of this with just 5 patterns listed for sale. I seriously can't wait until I can find the time to list so many more patterns in my shop & see how much more monthly sales that could bring in!

Financially things have been extremely tight (as in literally the balance in my checkbook today is $0.15!). After a lot of discussion and trying to weigh our options (also after both of us trying for weeks to find part-time jobs), we've decided to try to take out a loan, borrowing from SD's TSP - his retirement plan. It's something we've always considered as a very LAST resort, and unfortunately that's where we're at. 

The good news is that the loan is only for 4 years, 11 months, which is FAR shorter than how long it would take us to pay off all our credit debt currently, and the interest rate is only 2.5%. The monthly payments are automatically deducted from SD's paychecks and would save us at least $150 in comparison to what we're paying just in minimum monthly payments right now, not to mention thousands of dollars in interest! With the amount we've requested it would allow us to pay off almost all of our credit debt and consolidate it into 1 loan. And then we could plan to use our typically really large tax return to pay off several more bills.

It takes about a week for the loan application to be processed, so hopefully we'll know by this time next week. Otherwise things are going to continue to be pretty impossible to manage. Plus there's all those other little incidentals that keep popping up, like IK needs a new backpack, EJ needs new jeans because she's actually outgrown her clothes for a change, KW needs new tennis shoes, SD needs a new pair of glasses (our insurance doesn't cover vision), and my stupid tooth is acting up still, and getting much worse which means an $800 root canal isn't far off (I've had to use ambesol, advil, and a heating pad just to get through the last 3 nights). Bills, UGH!

In other news, after 4 years of working with the teens, we're finally becoming a really big, integral part of Sunday morning discussion groups, mainly because one couple who has been leading for many years is taking the semester off and evaluating where they're headed, now that their youngest child just graduated and is off to the college age group. They've been hosting a small group of college students in their home each Wed. night for a few years now, in addition to helping each week with the high school students, but now I really think they're getting ready to move into college students full-time.

Between them and another similar couple, the young/cool interns, and one more youth staff, SD and I have always been the last pick of the youth leaders on Sundays...as in we're not as popular as the other youth staff who've been there longer, and so all the "cool" kids usually go to their classrooms and we typically end up with all of the "rejects,"...the outsider students who don't fit in that well, which is completely and totally fine with us, always has been, because we're fully content mentoring to whomever God needs us to be there for.

But this year, one of those couples and another youth staff are moving on, plus several shifts have happened in the youth interns this fall, which means we've become much more needed on Sundays. Right now it's us, another couple we love who's been in the youth staff for MANY years, and the youth pastor. They're working on trying to bring in another couple, but that's all we have so far.

I'm kind of excited about that because we've really worked hard at establishing a ton of relationships with the students the past 4 years, and I'm encouraged about being a more involved part of their lives. I'm also back to helping with PI (Plugged In) each Wed. night. I used to help with this activity 2 years ago and really loved it, but with all my kids' busy schedules and working on my MBA it became too much and had to go. I've really missed it since then! So I'm thrilled to be helping with this weekly activity again.

It's very different from Sunday mornings, much more casual and relaxed, and an awesome time to connect with students! The activities change each week, sometimes it's compassionate service night where we're doing yard work for someone in need, sometimes it's small group discussions, other times it's meal/game nights, and other things too. I love the variety of it and the flexibility in the schedule.

While I'm driving one of the vans for that each Wed. KW is in the little Bible Buddies class that he LOVES which gives him another opportunity to play with friends and socialize. LA is in the SWWAT group, which she throws enormous fits about how much she hates going to it, but then totally loves it when she's there. 

Normally, IK and EJ participate in the youth group activities, but this fall they've decided to sing in the LCT Christmas musical with their dad!!!! This is the very first time they've both sung anything since they were little kids in the children's choirs and of course SD couldn't be more thrilled! I think they're really going to enjoy the experience and I'm hoping it will be a very fun time for them to connect more with their dad.

Well, I'm off to keep trudging along with all the busyness of life. Sorry for the total lack of pictures lately. I have a bunch, just no time to go through them. I'm sewing something pretty cool right now, still working on adjusting the pattern pieces to tweak them to just the right size, but hopefully I can post that soon.