Last week was incredibly long and discouraging for the most part. My husband's been out of town on a business trip that feels much longer than it's actually been, I think mainly because when you're used to having your best friend around to spend time with each night, watch TV, cuddle in bed, just talk, and esp. when you're having a rough week, it all just feels so much more difficult to deal with alone.
I've had the time to blog about this all week, mulling over in my mind many times what I would write, constantly revising my feelings inside my head, but never bringing myself to actually post anything. And kind of on purpose,...because if I had posted my initial feelings it would have been a lot of anger, disappointment, frustration, discouragement, wanting to give up, feeling overwhelmed, feeling defeated, and simply wanting to cry about the stress of it all.
My waiting to hear about the most promising positions I had interviewed for came to an end Wednesday morning when I received 4 separate rejection letters in the same morning.
If I'm being brutally honest, my feelings that morning were a mix of being frickin' pissed and wanting to just bawl my eyes out. Yeah, stronger language...stronger emotions.
If I'm being brutally honest, my feelings that morning were a mix of being frickin' pissed and wanting to just bawl my eyes out. Yeah, stronger language...stronger emotions.
I've been on this roller coaster job search for over 15 months now...15 very LOOOONNNNGGGGG months, and I can't begin to describe how challenging this process has been. I've lowered my standards and expectations, I've settled for applying for positions FAR beneath what I'm qualified for purely in the hopes of ending this job hunt and simply securing a measly little paycheck.
I've contacted every resource I possibly can, with VP's, Directors, Sr. Managers and more all sending in phone calls and personal recommendations for me, and STILL it's not enough. To say I'm discouraged doesn't even begin to cover it!
The feelings of discouragement quickly turn into depression, negative thoughts discounting my skills and qualifications as I begin to assume I must not be that great of an employee since no one will hire me. And those feelings quickly compound into a ginormous stress mess ball of worry and fear as I continue to see the calendar ticking so much closer to July while I still don't have a job.
We're barely getting through each week as it is right now,...I mean, barely, and I'm scared to death to think of what will happen if July shows up and I'm still stuck in this current situation.
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I felt as if I had reached a point where my spirit was so low, where my soul felt so completely drained of all hope,...and I had a decision to make. I needed to do something.
That night, as I was laying in bed flipping through the channels on TV late in the evening, I came across one of the several local Christian channels and watched a program from Joyce Meyer, an extremely well known Christian speaker and author.
I've read a few of her books over the years and been a huge fan of her straight talk, down to the heart of it, preaching style for many years.
I've read a few of her books over the years and been a huge fan of her straight talk, down to the heart of it, preaching style for many years.
That night her message was exactly what I needed to hear, as she focused on the Bible passages:
Matthew 7:7-8
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
James 4:2b
"You do not have, because you do not ask."
Joyce's message was all about how WE try to do everything for ourselves, how we try to fix everything and make everything happen, and then become upset when it doesn't work out. But the one thing we haven't done is pray about it. And that most of the time we end up carrying a heavy burden God never intended for us to carry in the first place.
And as I thought about it, I realized that I've done everything I can possibly think to do in order to find a job, practically begging so many other people for help, but I haven't stopped to pray about it.
Joyce went on to not only talk about how God wants to help us if we will just pray about it, because we're in this partnership with God...where he has a part to do, and we have a part: our part is to pray about it, and God's part is to provide a solution. She said of course God doesn't need us to pray about it, He can do whatever he wants, but this is the method He likes to use.
She also went on to talk about feeling frustrated, discouraged, and depressed, and how God says in Phil. 4:13 that he will give us the strength to get through every circumstance and that we're never in any situation where we should feel alone because in Hebrews 13:5 he said "never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."
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The next day, as I sat down at my computer I looked up the Joyce Meyer website, and before I could even begin to browse very far at all, my eyes were drawn to a section that was titled "Everyday Answers" and just below that it read "Encouragement in Difficult Times."
I clicked on the link and it brought me to a page where there were 6 video clips of Joyce speaking on what to do when you're in these circumstances. I wish I could embed some direct links, but you can find the videos here.
I sat there and began to watch the videos one by one...and ended up watching all 6 of them that afternoon. I wrote down some notes, I cried through some of them, and I forced myself to shut up for a moment and just listen,...just absorb all the information I was hearing and spend some time contemplating on all of it.
There's far too much I got out of those videos than I could possibly begin to recount here. It's absolutely worth your time to go here and watch these videos, esp. if you're struggling with something right now.
But, just to give you a tiny glimpse of what I took from it, here's some of the notes I jotted down:
---to count it all as joy doesn't mean it all feels joyful right now, but instead you choose to look forward to the point where you know it will be, and you're choosing to have faith that God is working on the situation now.
---don't over think your problems. You'll find yourself in the paralysis of analysis: where you become paralyzed because all you ever do is analyze everything to death.
---instead, even though I don't see anything happening or changing in my circumstances, I will refuse not to believe that God is working on the situation!
---choose to remain a prisoner of HOPE.
---the devil will do everything he can to beat us up in thought after thought reminding us of every single thing we've ever done wrong in an attempt to keep us paralyzed in fear, worry, and self doubt...but I need to simply remember that I am a child of God and He is taking care of me.
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Trying to decide which one of my mix of feelings (pissed or wanting to cry) felt stronger, I decided to do something positive to release some of my frustrations, so I actually watched the last 2 of those 6 videos while running on my treadmill on Thursday afternoon.
The weather was stupid and cold all week long, but I was also very sick and tired of feeling miserably out of shape, and beating myself up even further over that, so I decided my treadmill was a good alternative to the cold weather, and I started running just to see what I could do.
And I set a goal, to run a farther distance than I've ever gone before...in whatever amount of time it would take, I was going to run a total of 7 miles.
Thursday: 7 miles = 80:05 min., 11:26 min./mile pace
I did it! I actually ran a total of 7 whole miles!!!! Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was tiring and took all of my strength and energy to get through it. Yes, there was a huge argument, a huge war of words and constant back and forth persuasion running rampant through my mind as I struggled to maintain the determination to keep running.
Yes, I had to take several walking breaks, lower my speeds, and I finished at an average pace that's much slower than I'm used to...but I didn't quit, I didn't give up.
I haven't been running consistently the past few months, so I somewhat expected the slower pace, esp. as I was increasing my total distance. I wasn't discouraged at the end of that run. I was exhausted, but I felt great. I felt very encouraged by this new accomplishment.
Then on Friday I set out to do it again...to run another 7 miles on my treadmill.
I turned the treadmill away from facing the wall toward the computer and went back to the Joyce Meyer website where I discovered she has a TON of her messages from conferences on her site where you can click on tons of the videos and watch them here.
Friday: 7miles = 77:02 min., 11:00 min./mile pace
I did it again!!!! But this time I not only ran 7 more miles, I also beat my previous time by 3 whole minutes!!!! That's HUGE!!!!
And it felt awesome! I continued to flood my brain full of messages from Joyce. I watched the videos:
01/02/10 - Living Without Frustration
02/05/10 - Trusting God
01/31/10 - Intimacy With God
02/08 - 02/10/10 - I Am Relentless, parts 1, 2, and 3
And several more videos since they're all about 28 min. long. I felt very accomplished, very encouraged, as I fed my starved spirit with positive words and promises from God.
I debated whether or not to run again the next day, worried that I might be disappointed if my tired legs didn't continue to impress me with even better results. But when I woke up that morning, I was still really in the mood to run.
So I did, with the goal to complete just 4 miles, figuring that would be good enough considering this was day 3 running consistently and I typically run every other day and mix things up with strength training so I don't over do it on my legs.
But when I got to 4 miles I wasn't completely exhausted, and realizing I was more than 1/2 way to 7 miles at that point I decided to keep going...all the while watching more Joyce Meyer broadcasts and shutting up, just listening, and trying to absorb the messages, contemplating on the applications of them in my life.
Saturday: 7 miles = 75:50 min., 10:50 min./mile pace
I was SHOCKED!!!!! This was the 3rd day in a row that I had run a FULL seven miles!!! I've never run that far before!!! With the 5.2 miles I ran on Tues. I had now run a total of 26.2 miles in 1 week...that's exactly the length of a marathon (of course I did it over 4 separate days, but all in the same week!).
Once again I beat my previous run time by another 1:10 minutes!!! Each day the run was very difficult, but yet just a little bit better each time. More encouraging, and yet more challenging at the same time, striving to continue to beat my previous run times.
During the last mile on Sat. as I was running it felt like I was developing a big blister on one of my toes on my right foot. When I finally finished running and took off my shoe and sock as I headed into the shower, I discovered I had kind of run so hard my toenail had almost been dislocated from my foot!!!
The blister was so bizarre! It was perfectly situated directly beneath my toenail on the 2nd toe, so that as it was swollen up with fluid my nail was stretched a good 1/2 centimeter away from my toe, throbbing in pain. It hurt to walk, it was sore and very tender, and it seemed so ridiculous that a little blister could hurt so bad! I'd never heard of a blister that could remove your toenail from your toe???!!!
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I used the sharp point of a safety pin to pop the blister in 4 separate places...yeah...that's how HUGE it was! The liquid gushed out of my toe and I felt some relief, although it was still throbbing in pain.
I know this is gross,...sorry about that. This morning when I woke up my blister had swollen back up about halfway, and today I've had to pop it a couple more times throughout the day to relieve the pressure of my nail being pulled apart from where it should be located.
It's a good thing I planned today to be a rest day where I didn't workout, and tomorrow I really need to do some strength training and get in an intense core workout to focus on my flabby abs and love handles. Then I'll run again on Tuesday and plan to put in another 7 miles.
I'm planning to gradually continue to increase my total distance over the next couple of months, slowly building myself up to a half marathon distance, which is 13.1 miles, because I'm still planning to run in my very first half marathon in July, which is just a little more than 4 months away,...and I want my total pace and total run time to be much better than it is right now.
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I took a break from job hunting the rest of the week,...my brain needed the time off,...my spirit needed the time of rest and renewal.
Do I have any new answers? No.
Do I see anything new happening or changing in my circumstances? No.
But for now I'm praying about it, I'm completely switching my focus to trusting in God and having a faith big enough to know that even though I can't see it, I know that God has a plan for me, that He's working on it right now, and I'm going to keep trusting in Him.
I'm choosing to recharge my tired, worn our spirit...because sometimes we just need to remember to rejuvenate ourselves.
And already I'm seeing little spectacular moments and enormous blessings in other areas of my life and in my days. Even in the stupid little Dove dark chocolate wrapper quotes:
"If you can imagine, then you can achieve."
"Celebrate the small victories in your life."
"If you fail, learn, and move on, you're growing."
I am a child of God, and He is taking care of me.
I don't know what the answer is, I don't know where I'm headed, but I do know that I'm choosing to trust in God, lean not on my own understanding, and instead follow His leading,.
I'm choosing to have a deep enough faith to know that as I'm faithful in my walk with Him, that He will be faithful to me, and worrying, being frustrated, and becoming discouraged are emotions I will continue to fight each day.
